The Golden Rule
Matthew 7:12 – “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets”
Some call this verse ‘the Golden Rule’ – a verse to rule them all when it comes to our Christian ethical code with how we treat others!
I know as a parent that I’ve used the old ‘treat other people how you want to be treated’ phrase or ‘how would you feel if someone did that or said that to you?!’ question with my son many times. (Often after a rogue nerf bullet has caused injury or he’s been pushing it with the cheekiness). I’m sure we’ve all either probably said this Golden Rule to our kids or had it said to us by our own parents.
However, we live in a broken world with broken people and outliving this Golden Rule can be easier said than done sometimes! We can try with all our willpower to love others, forgive others, support others, minister to others… but is it just me, or is that not always as easy as it sounds? Despite my best efforts sometimes I just respond in the wrong way to people and end up doing the opposite of Matthew 7:12.
I’ve recently completed a Diploma in trauma-informed counselling with my work that has given me some new insight into why this could be a struggle at times. The crux of it is that how we interact with the world and others really does depend on what traumatic or stressful events we have experienced, and what our consequent neurological trauma-response is when we feel triggered. This is something we unconsciously have and so many of us are unaware of it.
I would argue that sometimes it’s really difficult to treat others how we want to be treated, not because we are bad people, but because we have an unconscious trauma-response to certain stimuli which puts us into social defence rather than social engagement or in a state of blocked trust with others. Or that triggers an over-active rage, fear or grief social-emotional system within our brains biochemistry.
Trauma can be a taboo word and for most it’s something to be associated with extreme abuse and therefore we can pigeonhole who we think can experience it. Trauma is actually defined as ‘something stressful, frightening or dangerous that alters our physical, cognitive and emotional response to the world’. It’s quite often something that has been imposed upon us, rather than out of our choosing. It could be caused by a one-off event, such as an accident, natural disaster, or death of a loved one, or by ongoing toxic stress caused by abuse, bullying, or an unsafe environment. It could be caused by something recent, or something from your childhood (possibly that you are even unaware of). I would suggest, with some self-reflection, everyone could name at least one thing that’s been traumatic or stressful for them that has left a lasting effect on them. A health scare, a lost job, a toxic relationship, the death of a loved one or pet, a stressful work environment, parenting teens, the list goes on…
What causes trauma in someone’s live is different for everyone and cannot be quantified or compared. It often goes unseen and outworks in the neuro pathways of our psyche and only really makes itself known in our reactions to things that trigger it.
Being aware of these reactions, and being curious about what is causing them, will help us outwork the Golden Rule and respond to others well. It could even take you on a journey of trauma-recovery where that is needed. This could mean enlisting some help from a good friend or professional therapist/counsellor. Personally, being in a rhythm of speaking to a professional Christian counsellor is just part of my life, and it’d highly recommend it! I had no idea what I even needed help with before I started! But now I am more self-aware and on a journey of acknowledging and managing my trauma-responses so that I can better live by that Golden Rule in Matthew 7:12.
I encourage you to take some time this week to think back to the last time you didn’t quite hit the Matthew 7:12 mark in your response or treatment of someone. Could be a spouse, your child, a friend, or someone in your congregation! Be curious to what it was that triggered your reaction and seek out some support with that. Chat a friend, carve out some ‘you’ time to lower your stress levels, or maybe explore some professional support. It’ll make you a better you.
Dani Williams
